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i think   
06:40pm 03/08/2002
 
mood: sad
sometimes i think about live, and sometimes i think about death and neither really appeals to me.


i think, its true.
 
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the truth.   
02:57am 30/07/2002
  i'll never be you, id never want to be you...i would never go down to your level. i hope you realize what you've done as your sinking in your own filth...

its no ones scene- im sick of the conversation-go put on your high heels and pretend you like to dance.
 
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If you hate your friends, you're not alone.   
01:23am 18/07/2002
 
mood: annoyed
Have you ever felt like running away and never coming back with someone you love? giving up the city, the lights, the drama, the confusion, the heartache, the jealousy, the lustful eyes for something pure?-smoothness, simplicity, a small home on a big plot of land with a porch and fireflies, barbeques and lemonade, summer days of doing nothing?
thats where i am right now, and i just want to be with evan.

im sick of people. why cant YOU be real for once? everyone tries so hard and im not sure why. i hope i dont try so hard, but i dont think i do. this pretention comes naturally. haha
 
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I don't even know you and I hate you...   
06:36pm 13/07/2002
 
mood: sad
I had a dentist appointment this morning and I totally didn't show up. I couldn't deal with the pain of needles and drills at 9 in the morning so instead i slept till 2. at 2 my dad started yelling at me and told me i was anemic///well maybe. we went to ikea and oh my gosh there are soo many things i want for my new room! it made me excited to get moving. hanging out with my dad was a lot of fun because he's so nerdy.

All I've been listening to is the hot snakes in the car and the strokes in my bedroom. i know, i know, im sorry.
 
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The boys all wanna stick knives in him....   
02:01pm 06/07/2002
 
mood: anxious
Today is saturday but my whole perspective of what day it is is all fucked up because the fourth of july felt like sunday. todays a boring day and i cant get a hold of my friends. boo hoo. i hate people complaining about the "scene" so maybe those people should shut up or move to oregon. like they get so angry about it! it's totally something to not take seriously because it's an obvious joke already. so if you hate the scene so much and the fashioncore kids maybe you shouldn't be one of them. don't pretend youre better when you're the same as everyone else. geesh.
 
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Just like heaven....   
02:40pm 03/07/2002
 
mood: relaxed
So I've had a fun filled last two days. Evan stayed the night two nights in a row and I think I kinda bugged him after being together for so long, but it was really nice to be with him. We went to the smell on monday to see the starvations and of course they didnt dissapoint. i picked up their new ep and its really good. the ponies were surpringly good too, i didnt know what to expect from them and i picked up their demo i guess, but i havent had a chance to listen to it. josh's band was great because they had fire and almost killed everyone in the club. the smoke cleared out the smell for at least an hour.

yesterday was the hot hot heat and moving units and it was pretty lame. too much bad fashion and ugly boys that look like nerd science teachers from the 1960s. i think i might have a new friend now (maybe). i dont like seeing kids from school at shows, it ruins my experience. today is my sisters birthday and im gonna go to her house to help celebrate.
anyway, lets remember while we are all here- the music maaan.
 
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five dollars for gas and five dollars for cigarettes   
10:31am 26/06/2002
 
mood: sad
Yeah so today I leave for las vegas. I really really don't want to go. In fact, Im about to cry. But I'm hoping these two and a half days go by super quick and I can be in a chipper mood.

Last night was pg99 and city of caterpillar and it was fucking awesome. i want to hear city of caterpillar in my head all the time...i was listening to them with my eyes closed. the music made me want to kiss evan...

god! i dont want to go to las vegas-sleeze capitol of the world! im going to miss evan too much! why did i say yes???!?!?!?!?!
 
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Wouldn't it be nice?   
01:51am 24/06/2002
 
mood: relaxed
So I guess summer is officially here although it doesn't quite feel like it yet. Its been soo nice to sleep in and drive around town just like last summer. I'm hoping this summer will be better than last summer (although last summer was pretty unstoppable) but i think it will be thanks to a recent addition.

I'm looking forward to pg 99 on tuesday although i cant figure out why they are playing at chain reaction. lame. i went to amoeba and bought the new orchid and the glass candy/subtonix split. i think they are both really good purchases. tomorrow i want to go clothes shopping because i hate all my clothes now, maybe hit up some lunch and do some cleaning. i really need a haircut.
 
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I don't do too much gambling these days...   
08:37am 20/06/2002
  I graduate at 5 and I can't help feeling like i'm about to puke.  
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Summer In the City...   
10:51am 19/06/2002
 
mood: hungry
Friday is officially the first day of summer! I'm glad because summer for me, hasn't felt officially here yet. I've been doing a lot of hanging out with evan and thats been a lot of fun but i miss him too much when i go home. my friends are lame but i think i'll keep them around for a little bit longer. i'm hungry.
 
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Schools Out for summer...   
01:20pm 15/06/2002
 
mood: hungry
Yesterday was my last day at school. I cried twice but other than that I felt good about moving on. I'll probably really cry when I graduate next week...My dad told me "You can never come home again" and it didn't make sense at first, but it's true. You can never relive the past.

I saw Dazed and Confused and it wasnt that good.
My last day of school celebrating was really weak so I don't even want to get into that.

I'm going to Venice and I guess Santa Monica to shop and just walk around. I need to buy a white dress and maybe some sun glasses.

"In the midst of winter, I finally realized that in me was an invinsible summer..."- albert camus
 
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Invincible summer...   
03:55am 14/06/2002
 
mood: scared
In about 4 hours, I start the last day of school for my high school career. I don't know what to think, but I think i'll definately be crying. I'm supposed to go to evan's but i realize there are gonna be a bunch of crazy things going on after school. Oh great, I forgot, I'm getting my braces off too. I think this is too much for one day. I don't know how to feel, I'm pretty numb. Just a day ago it started to feel like summer, and now after tomorrow it's officially beginning. i guess i'm really scared. i'm sure they'll be a lot of crying tomorrow. i'm not completely sure why but maybe it's because i'll never get to see any of the kids i wish i had become friends with again and i'm growing up. i don't want to grow up, but i dont really want to stay like this...
I woke up at (maybe) 2 after a nap, to make cds for my best friends. i hope they like them okay, but i think the cd sounds like summer and i think we'll all know the words and be able to dance to them. of course schools out for summer is on there, i think my favorite song on there is boys and girls (i think thats its name) by blur. that song is totally danceable. i hope my friends like the cd or at least appreciate my effort. i have to wake up in two hours. oh god, get me through this. this is as honest as i can be.
 
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I will remember you....   
10:30pm 12/06/2002
 
mood: satisfied
I hope everything is going well....I get scared sometimes...

There's a lot of activity going round these parts... graduation, moving, summer etc. I'm nervous and excited. Today is the first real day it felt like summer. We got our yearbooks today and I am really proud of how they turned out. I wish everyone would stop bitching about every little mistake though. If they knew how much work it is to make a 100+ plus page book, thats interesting and visually pleasing from scratch, they'd never complain again. ps. no one cares if your name is spelled wrong.

Only two more days of school and then...the beginning of the rest of my life.

pss. go lakers!
-" He can't be a man if he doesn't smoke, the same cigarettes as me"
 
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I'll melt with you...   
05:04pm 10/06/2002
 
mood: relieved
Today has been really hot. and kinda boring. I went to the swap meet today and man they have some cool stuff. spray paint, records, clothes...I could spend a million dollars on useless stuff.

I made up with my friend so I'm glad. I don't think I'll be friends with the other one.
I'm going to work on being nicer.
I'm helping heal the bay at the end of the month...
goodness gracious....
 
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Words come crashin in....   
03:13pm 09/06/2002
 
mood: annoyed
So lately, life has kinda sucked. I've been in a bad mood and it's lame when I get like that. All of my friends (well most at least) hate me. I don't know what to feel about that.

I'm trying to make graduation invitations and it's not working. I did my makeup funny.

I got depeche mode's violator... i want some vegan cookies. I'm gonna go out with one of my last remaining friends. lets see how long this lasts.
 
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Are you listening....   
01:09pm 07/06/2002
 
mood: quixotic
yeah so to confirm a few things...

Yes, I am a bitch ( i acknowledge this). I dont really see anything wrong with wanting to do what I want to do all the time. If you don't like it you can leave, and we can meet up with eachother when we feel like compromising our ideas of fun.

It wasnt really my fault, and yeah i do feel sorta bad.

i've been smoking way too much.

I really am a spoiled brat.
I'm gonna try and work on these things, sorry friends.

Gradnight was a total fucking bust, im graduating in a week and im clueless. I'd like to take a positive approach to this so I'm just gonna think about going to shows and hanging out with evan.
 
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What would i liked to have been? everything you hate....   
11:24pm 05/06/2002
 
mood: exhausted
yeah today sucked...

fucking flat tire

evans 400+ ticket for riding on the wrong side of the street

fuck the po-lice.

yep...it ended on a nice note though. thank god for cigarettes and people you love.
 
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Is she promised to the night.......?   
02:14pm 05/06/2002
 
mood: disappointed
Well I got my prom pictures back and they look really shitty. I'm blaming it half on my developing the negatives and half on the photomat. They didnt do a very good job. Well I have a lot of stuff to do today, return some stuff etc. I want to go shopping and get some clothes. I've gained too much weight to wear my other stuff and I feel clothes-less. Damn being fat. damn it to hell...


Time to send out graduation annoucements. really lame.
 
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You never loved me...   
09:23pm 04/06/2002
 
mood: mellow
Well, I'm still really tired from my weekend extravaganza. I probably will never make up the sleep but that's fine with me. I've been feeling blah lately and all itchy. Hopefully that feeling won't last for-ever.

School gets out in two weeks and I'm really nervous. I'm hoping everything works out for the best. I'm gonna miss my French class. oui oui...

Friday is Bratmobile and the locust at my least favorite venue (ever?). hopefully that will be semi fun. oh i forgot im going to disneyland thursday! i guess i have a lot of stuff to look forward to. vive la vie.
 
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Minuit a Paris   
08:29pm 02/06/2002
 
mood: tired
so last night was prom and im so fucking tired i could pass out right now. there was a lot of blahblah drama going on before we actually got to universal, but afterwards (and i mean this) it was magical....it had that being at disneyland feel that made me dream romantic thoughts (not the lovey-dovey kind). i had fun dancing by myself to piaf in the fake french rue.
the after party was alright, i just wish i could bring myself to drink in a crowd of people...
the real fun though was had when i went to evan's at 5:45 in the morning all the way from century city. i figured if i didnt die from falling asleep on the 405 it would be worth it. oh and it was. i love seeing people in the morning when they are all sleepy...we had a lot of fun together and we went to mothers to get some food. it was fucking bomb and im craving it now actually...

it was brought to my attention that i have two weeks left of school. i cant believe it. i want to cry but at the same time run away while holding your hand.

ps. i got home at 5:30 pm this evening after maybe three hours of combined sleep.
 
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